The other day, I gave some advice to a friend in need. He was having trouble understanding why his heart got ripped out of his chest by the girl who he was dating for nearly a year. It’s not often that I get a chance to give such advice, especially considering my current relationship status (non-existent), and prior relationships (only 3 actual ‘girlfriends’ – the others never included anything besides talking and hanging out). That’s right – 27 years old, 3 girlfriends. And none of them lasted longer than 6 months.
But I have done my reading, my research. I know what I need to do when the time comes, how to handle a woman in a relationship, how to not become an emotional tampon, and ultimately how to not bore her to the point that she just walks out one day.
There are a number of websites dedicated to helping those of us in need. My main sources are So Suave, The Don Juan forum and David DeAngelo’s Double Your Dating.
The following is the advice that I imparted on him.
A disclaimer: I am saying this as a guy and as a friend, so this will differ from the female perspective that you have already received. Also, I do not want to hurt your feelings in any way, but you may take it that way. Please believe that my comment has your best interest in mind…
… So, here is what I have to say. This may be more your fault than you believe. I hate to say this to you because you are a nice guy. And therein lies the problem. Women, no matter how young or old, want a mystery. A man who is confident, unpredictable, a challenge, and even somewhat cocky. Women don’t want a nice guy. They may say that they do, but it is BS. Women want a good guy (not a nice guy – there is a difference) who is confident of himself and is unpredictable in his actions.
You treated her like a queen. That is a good selling point… at the beginning. But no matter how well you treat them, they will get bored. You have to mix it up. Sure, treat her like a queen one day. But the next day, tell her that you are too busy to see her. In fact, everything should be on your schedule, not hers. And your schedule should NEVER be open ALL of the time, for whenever she wants to see you. If she wants to see you, but you can’t see her that day, it will make her want to see you even more the next day.
You gave her “…roses, poems, whatever…” for no specific reason, which is good on occasion. But soon enough, these actions become predictable. I believe that giving her flowers for no reason is a good thing once in a LONG while (but roses are so overdone – try lillies or tulips. Everyone does roses). But, even if they are “surprise” gifts, you are still giving her gifts and she knows to expect them – you have become predictable, whether they are surprises or not, she expects them to come.
You rubbed her feet, painted her toe nails… you became her bitch. She knew that she could make you do anything and you wouldn’t care. You stopped being a challenge to her and she got bored. Ultimately, this is what it comes down to. If she gets bored, it’s over.
So, [name withheld], this is what you need to remedy. I have no doubt that you are confident. I have no doubt that you are a good person. I have no doubt that all you ever cared about was making her happy. And I have no doubt who is more upset about this breakup. But what I do worry about is your well being, current and future. You need to make some mental changes in how you approach a relationship. You need to be the good guy, not the nice guy. The guy who is charming, caring, and wicked hot. The guy who is confident and unpredictable. They want excitement. They want a mystery man.
My friend has already started taking the steps necessary to get his life back on track, and is dropping the bitch completely from his life. He’s ready to start again. His story has made me want to do more with myself. I am once again a student of the masters. And soon enough, I will put what I have learned into action.
Who’s up for going to Barnes and Noble?
[tags]Dating, Relationships, Don Juan[/tags]
11 responses to “Yarsh – always willing to help those less fortunate”
Glad I could provide a little motivation with my situation! Thanks for all the advice and understanding. Trust me, none of it was painful…mostly because it was all true and I guess I’ve always realized it all along. So, have some fun using your knowledge and good luck!
Very nicely put. All very true and very useable. A+
Girl’s are impossible bitches. Good advice, mix it up guys.
I’m pretty sure that unpredictability is not a good trait in a S.O. or a leader. I also don’t agree with playing games with your available time, although there is such thing as spending too much time together. If you have to play games, she’s not the one.
I agree that mystery is good but unpredictability is not. Girls want to feel safe not uncomfortable because they dont know what to expect. Mark is right, too much time together can get annoying. You need to have a balance, time with friends. Lying and saying you dont have time for her will only cause problems when she finds out you are at home playing your PSP. If shes “the one” you wont need to worry about being bored. There are ups and downs in any relationship. If your bored today you might be excited tomorrow. The bottom line is that you need to keep your own identity. It sounds like your friend got carried away and may have scared the girl away. Thats just my opinion.
Mark and Jamey – you both have valid points. I guess the point that I was trying to get at is that you need to have some amount of “life” outside of her. Don’t remove everything from your life that defines you, in order to be with her for every waking moment. I am certainly not trying to suggest that you lie about your time management; just have people to see and things to do that can occupy your time outside of the relationship so things don’t stagnate. If you don’t have plans, make some.
Unpredictable – I could have used a different adjective to describe how to be more of a mystery, but it is still valid. Mark is right – unpredictability is not a good trait for a leader (we know from experience). And the same should be said for a significant other. But that’s not exactly what I was suggesting. Ultimately, it comes down to this: Would a girl rather be with a guy who takes her to exciting and different places on dates (or just for the fun of it), or with a guy who takes her to the same places that any other guy would take her? Creating a surprise or being spontaneous on a date would be an example of unpredictable, and what I was trying to convey. Just don’t be exactly the same as all the other guys.
“For women, guys who are too available are boring. Bad Boys are selfishly independent — they aren’t desperately hanging around women, hoping to get tossed a few scraps of attention. Women always want what they can’t have, so make yourself busy and scarce. Be a mystery man. Be unpredictable. Be a challenge — let her do some work to get you. ” (from an article about being a bad boy, which happens to relate to this topic)
I can’t read the comments dude.
nevermind, I can read them now.
your right-I agree. As far as the Bad Boy goes, its like the Easy Girl, Its definetely who you are attracted to but not who you want to marry. So I guess it depends on the type of relationship you want to have.
This post and all the comments have brought out 2 sides of my personality, 1) The Man and 2) the counselor.
The man, who is one hell of a prideful beast, I love reading things like that. For the simple fact that it makes us sound like we don’t truly need women and it gives us ways about which to make things about us and not them. It creates ways to make us more exciting and make them feel like they have to have us.
Then there is the side of me that counsels people, where my mind wanders toward the fact that we are created to be with each other, there is a natural inherent draw to the opposite sex. Because of this draw we should feel no need to be anyone but ourselves. If you are not a natural risk taker why be a risk taker for the sake of catching a girl? The longer the relationship goes the more she will realize you are a fraud. If there is one thing I have learned through marriage is that you can not hide who you are. The truth is that in a relationship a girl wants you! Yes fun dates are nice, so are the occasional flowers, the out of no where trips to Disneyland, but in a relationship you do not date someone for the idea that you have fun dates, or go to cool places, or that you give gifts when they are not expected. You date each other. You have fun with each other doing all those things, but you commit to each other and not the idea of fun and dates and gifts.
So be yourself let a girl see who you are, and let her like that person. If she doesn’t then she is not for you and if she does then you go from there. I think the hurdle is not how we act towards them in a relationship, but rather stepping off the ledge and taking the chance that a girl may actually like you, for being you.
Everyone wins. I don’t claim to be the most knowledgeable person in the world when it comes to relationship advice (Lord knows that my experience certainly doesn’t amount to much). I was hoping to get some feedback from others to hear what you believe so that there is more than a 1-sided theory to dating and relationships. This is for the benefit of us all. Make no mistake: this is just as much for my benefit as it is for others. I applaud you all and do not disagree with any of you.