The Redeeming Qualities of a song

“Robert” really likes the Gwen Stefani song, Hollaback Girl. I think that the song sucks. It got me thinking to myself (and aloud), “What are the redeeming qualities of a song?”

First, there must be music involved in the song somewhere. And I’m not talking ambient noise or arpeggios. Hollaback Girl has the arpeggios, played by guitar in the background and later played in unison by some atrocious synth brass. And that’s it! Other than the drum beat and a rare half-sung line, there is nothing else to the song.

Next, there should be some coherent thought within in the song. Saying Shi* 37 times in a 3:19 song doesn’t quite do it for me. “The Shi* is Bananas – B-A-N-A-N-A-S” – WTF is that?

Originality – granted the song doesn’t have to be completely original. I believe that this song was better… when it was called “We will rock you” by Queen. Repeating the same lines over and over and over (and over) is not very original or creative. Why would I want to listen to 99 bottles of beer on the wall? I wouldn’t.

Standing the test of time: Not time in the eternal sense, but do you get sick of the song after 10 listens? How about just one? I was sick of this song after the first listen. I did force myself to listen to it 3 more times before and during the writing of this post so that I could get some facts straight, but no more Hollaback Girl for me.

A song should be a song. I don’t listen to much rap music (I have a hard time actually calling it music), because my definition of a song is that it should have a musical structure, actual singing, and flowing lyrical ideas. Most rap has the flowing lyrics, but this song doesn’t even have that (not to mention the lack of musical structure and actual singing).

So, to paraphrase the structure of this song, we have:

[Chorus – 2x];
Oooh, this my Shi*, this my Shi* [4x];
[A spoken word verse];
[Chorus – 2x];
Oooh, this my Shi*, this my Shi* [4x];
[A spoken word verse];
[Chorus – 2x];
Oooh, this my Shi*, this my Shi* [4x];
The shi* is Bananas – B-A-N-A-N-A-S [4x];
[Chorus – 2x];
Oooh, this my Shi*, this my Shi* [4x] 

Wow – this song is deep. What was I thinking??? Wait, I know what I was thinking

99 bottles of beer on the wall
99 bottles of beer
Take one down, pass it around,
98 bottles of beer on the wall.
98 bottles of beer on the wall
98 bottles of beer… 

Hollaback Girl Report Card
     Music involved: FAIL
     Coherent thought: FAIL
     Originality: FAIL
     Test of time: FAIL
     Is it a song: FAIL

Final Verdict: FAIL

Here – try this quality song on for size (right-click, save target as…), and tell me that Hollaback Girl is better than it. Of course, doing so automatically disqualifies you from being my friend anymore 😉