“I’m an Idiot”, or “The One That Got Away”

Hi. I’m an idiot. And I get reminded of it often. But every once in a while, the reminder is so explosive that I just cannot help but to reexamine exactly what went wrong.

I guess it was 1999 (which seems like an eternity ago – heck, it was nearly a quarter of my lifetime ago), when I decided to break up with my girlfriend. I was in my second year of college, and she still in high school (chicks dig older men). She also happened to be one of my sisters 2 best friends, which can certainly be awkward. But it worked for the most part. Until I decided, however the hell I convinced myself of it, that she just wasnt quite mature enough for me. Perhaps it was the fact that I was working and in college and she was still in high school. It really doesnt matter because it was set in my mind that the relationship wasnt going anywhere.

She ended up going to U of A that fall to study medicine. I kept in touch every once in a while, mostly through AIM and email. And then communication just stopped. Its like that with everybody – there’s no real attachment (certainly not a relationship based in love) to maintain – and therefore you just stop talking (like with Vici, or friends like Sarah D. or Kevin G.). But, unfortunately for me, she is still friends with my sister, and therefore I am privy to information that I may not hear elsewhere. Like the bombshell that blew apart my world.

I don’t remember the exact year, but I do remember the exact day: Valentine’s Day. This wasn’t the day that I found out, but when they got together. I thought to myself, “How cheesy is that? Hooking up on Valentine’s Day?” And I didn’t necessarily agree with it either. Somewhat because he was the roommate of her best friend’s boyfriend and it was just circumstance – two single people hanging out with each other on Valentine’s Day with nothing better to do because each of their best friends were already dating (mayhaps even engaged at that point) – that brought them together, but ultimately I was jealous. For by this time, I already knew that I had made the mistake.

Over the years, I heard that they had broken up. And I heard that they got back together. And I heard that they got engaged. And I got an invitation to the wedding. Somewhere in there, after the engagement, I had lunch with her. It was quaint, just kind of catching up. Me congratulating her. Me being an AFC, bringing her a rose (this was before I knew what an AFC even was). And the wedding came and went. I showed up for the reception, but not the ceremony. Truth is that I slept in. I really didn’t intend to do that, but am not sure if I can convince anybody that it was not intentional. Perhaps it was subconsciously intentional, but I didn’t mean to do so. If there is one thing that I do know about me, it is that I wish nothing but the best for her. And if her choice is him, so be it. I am genuinely happy for her. And genuinely miserable for me.

The one that got away. I get reminded of it every so often. It’s a running joke, that doesn’t rear its ugly head too often (fortunately), within my family. She will come up in conversation, and my dad will remind me. Or my brother (who you would expect nothing less from) will remind me. My sister, my mom, my brother-in-law. They all remind me. She’s the one that I let get away.

Rumor has it that if I had made some sort of move to get her back, I could have done so (I have no evidence that this rumor is true). Maybe I should have told her that day at Mimi’s Cafe that I was crazy about her. But being a ‘nice guy’ has its major downsides – like bottling up feeling and emotion. But sometimes you have to keep your mouth shut if what you really want to say has possible major life-altering implications.

Do I believe that I am better than he is? Not really. I don’t have the confidence to justly say such a thing. Could I provide for her better than he can? Probably not. Is there anything that would suggest that I have a positive going for me? Well, there’s 1 thing for sure: I play a mean game of Guitar Hero.

Which brings us back to that reminder that got this entire post started. Today, I helped my sister and brother-in-law move into their new house (btw – congrats Jabbi). And this afternoon, Abbi’s 2 best friends stopped by to have a look. I hadn’t seen her in years, so when they arrived, I kept myself busy by unloading the truck and having some lunch. Mostly because her husband came along too, and I was a sweaty pig from moving stuff, but also because it was hard for me to make eye contact with her. After all these years, I just couldn’t look at her and not think about all of the stuff written above. I warmed up a bit after a while, and became all smiles, life is wonderful, I am awesome, all that stuff (like playing some Guitar Hero with my brother, then the husband (who had never played before)). But I don’t think I can hide my pain very well anymore. Hence, I lay it all out here, names withdrawn, for you to read for yourself.

Getting this out in the open will make me feel better. It has been bottled up for too long. If, by chance, any of the parties involved read this story, I apologize if you are offended or have any other non-positive emotion. I am not trying to hurt anybody, just get it off of my chest for perhaps the last time.

Certainly, life for me has been good overall. I have a good job and great friends. And the best family in the world. Who knows where I would be today if things had been different. Maybe in Tucson (which sucks, but is totally worth it for the company that moving there would provide). Or maybe on the east coast somewhere. But I wouldn’t be as close to Jott as I am today; nor to my family; nor to Rickey, Randy, or Mark; nor would I have ever spent 6 wonderful months with Courtney; nor hung out with Denny, Bob & Kel, or Stinkle; nor ever have met Doom, Shorty, Mikey, Ben Araiza, Richard, Lary & Laurel, or Sandii (to name a few – sorry if I missed any of my dear readers); nor enjoyed 3 of the best years of my life in Phoenix Down.

But regardless of all that, she’s the one who got away. She will always be the one who got away.

[tags]Love, Heartbreak, Life[/tags]


7 responses to ““I’m an Idiot”, or “The One That Got Away””

  1. I think this is the “there is a plan or a reason for everything” post. Eventually someone will come around and this memory will fade in light of the Love that will be sent just for you. 🙂

  2. It is us that have been very privileged to have met and known you, you have turned out OK. Thanks for hang around us old people.Not that we’ve seen you anytime recent !!

  3. That was Deep man. But take it from someone who knows all to well. Liveing in Tucson isn’t that great. Unless you really like the convenience of buying a news papper from a home less guy (or girl) at any streets corner. I found that was helpfull when I was packing to move back to Phoenix.

  4. Hi, I found your blog thru The Geek of Everything.

    Heavy post. Must have been hard to write that. Two quotes come to mind:

    1) “‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” Alfred Lord Tennyson
    2) “Women! Can’t live with ’em … pass the Beer Nuts.” Norm Peterson (Cheers)