I just wanted to get a couple of pics up from the costume party on Friday night, so this won’t really be a full post. I will talk about how The Dude, Walter, and The Karate Kid got hosed in the prize competition and will put more pics up as soon as I get them. Enjoy!

Thanks to Mark for The Big Lebowski photoshop of John and I. I had to pull my photoshop of The Jesus out of the woodwork for this occasion – mostly because of the theme that John and I did, but also because it is teh bestest photoshop evar!

The DCtm – Episode 1.01

Jimmy was beginning to hate his newly appointed position. He was definitely the most qualified to fill it, but Jackson’s micro-management was getting in the way. It was begining to piss him off. The SQL server crashes and lack of space issues were just magnifying the pain.

Max Enterprises seemed to specialize in server instability. If it wasn’t the air conditioning going out in the Data Center, it was the roof leaking into a sea of exposed high-voltage wire after a late summer evening storm. And if not that, running out of electronic storage space.

Or database servers crashing due to extreme heat.

But therein lies the problem: Jimmy couldn’t get more servers if he couldn’t get the temperature of the DC down below 70 degrees. And due to the rising heat, regardless of the crisp fall air outside, he couldn’t keep the servers currently residing in the DC from commiting seppuku.

“I’m tired of seeing Peter and Karen in there without any assistance from one of us IT guys,” Jimmy was saying to John. “What’s the point in having RFID badges, preventing access to the Data Center, when we leave the doors wide open?”

John Smirked. “In case you haven’t noticed, the AC is off in there again. In order to prevent – well hopefully prevent – another server meltdown, we need to leave those doors open to increase cool air circulation.”

“Of course I noticed, John. And when Bored comes to the office in 2 weeks to do their security audit, they’ll notice it too.”

“Looks like we better get these servers to the new off-site Data Center. Like, immediately.”

“Heh. You and I both know that this move is going to take a month or more to complete. The question is, when will we be able to convince Shiney of this?”

“I’d say about halfway into the first week of the move,” John fired back immediately.

To be continued…

The DCtm

I got a tv show that I want to pitch to the execs at Fox – especially considering some of the goings-on in our data center today. I can see it now…

Coming soon to Fox: From the creators of The Simple Life, American Idol, and Nanny 911 comes the all new, laugh out loud, comedy: The DCtm.

The verdict is in:

The DCtm “just doesn’t get any better when it comes to watching sorry ass, over paid, certifiably retarded IT professionals. – TV Pride 

If The DCtm wasn’t reality television, I never would have believed it! – US Meekly

I laughed. I cried. I ate some Cheetos. – High Times

Everything they do (and don’t do) seem like Resume Generating Events. How do they ever survive? – Yarsh

Catch an all new DCtm Thursday night at 8, right after new episodes of So You Think You Can Dance and Trading Spouses: Meet Your New Mommy – Only on FOX!

Of course, not to be outdone, The Discovery Channel will release American Data Center (which will be showed on Monday nights after American Chopper and before American Hot Rod). 

Nootch. Mad Props go out to Mark, who made these images for me while I was still in “Crisis Mode” at work today.

You know what really grinds my gears?

I rarely get road rage. I do however get pissed off, and yell, at retards who should have their drivers licenses taken away from them. Normally, driving conditions are bad enough in Phoenix (1 drop of rain = a 25mph to 45mph slowdown in traffic). But the rules change this time of year. Oh yeah – it’s snowbird season.

snow·bird (sno’bûrd’) n.
1. Any of several birds, such as the junco and the snow bunting, common in snowy regions.
2. Slang. One who moves from a cold to a warm place in the winter. 

Every year, people migrate to sunny Phoenix/Scottsdale for 5-6 months in order to get out of the cold weather east coast and the midwest (especially the midwest). And considering that this is more or less a 5-6 month vacation, this group is comprised entirely of crusty, oxygen tank weilding, hard of hearing, legally blind, old folks. Each of whom happen to take a trip to the casino at the exact same time that you are headed to work, from work, or anywhere else.

They are always there to cut in front of you. To change lanes without signaling, causing you to slam on the brakes. To make a right turn into the 2nd lane and cut back into the first – not more than 10 feet in front of you, while you are travelling at a brisk 45mph (and the limiters on their cars kick in at 15). To not make a right turn at a stoplight until the light turns green (yeah, you’re right behind them)… Should I really continue?

Ok. To always, regardless of weather, travel 10mph slower than any speed limit (or 15-20mph slower than the rest of the traffic). To not know where they are at and cut across 3 lanes of traffic to make a left turn, only to realize that it was the wrong place to turn at, then cut back into traffic. To really fucking irritate me.

2 words: Go Fucking Home.

UPDATE: On my way home today, I saw the worst offender yet this year. Coming out of the Marriott, and waiting at a stop light, was an elderly couple in a Buick (surprise!) on the wrong side of the road!!! Yes, they were waiting in the left hand lane of a north-bound street, heading south-bound. I did a double take to make sure it wasn’t my eyes deceiving me… Nope, there they were. Un-freaking-believable! This street is divided by a median and everything!

*I need to let loose here sometimes, otherwise I will be this frustrated, pissed off, wreck of a man day in and day out. Thanks for reading. Yarsh appreciates you.

Do you have bad credit? No credit? Bankruptcy?

Yarsh Motors can get you into a new or used car, no matter what kind of credit you have!

Ok, I really can’t help you out with your vehicular needs. And that sucks for Randall and, more recently, a coworker’s daughter.

Wednesday, ‘Polly’ got into an accident in her car. She was driving down the freeway and was either clipped by a large truck, or perhaps slightly swerved into a large truck, which then spun her into a wall. After hitting the wall, she proceeded to spin into another wall and then came to a halt. Fortunately, she was not injured, nor did she hit any other cars during her freespin. Although her car was pretty wrecked.

Thursday, if you can believe it, she got into another accident. In her mom’s new car. This time she was entering the freeway where they have the stop/go lights to smooth out the flow of traffic. She rammed into the back of a minivan. The airbag deployed, and the front end of this brand new car was totalled. This time, she walked away woth some neck pain, whiplash, and burns on her arms from the airbag exhaust.

Not to mention that this same coworker’s son had an accident earlier in the same day – although it was not his fault. Perhaps this family is cursed worse than Randall is when it comes to cars…

So, what are the morals of these stories? 1) Do not get into a car with ‘Polly’ if it means at any point driving on the freeway (unless you are the one driving). 2) ‘Polly’ is not allowed to drive my car. 3) Don’t be of blood-relation to my coworker. 4) Win the lottery and get a chauffeur to drive you around (or at least have enough money to cover the skyrocketing insurance rates if you continue to get into car accidents daily).

The Redeeming Qualities of a song

“Robert” really likes the Gwen Stefani song, Hollaback Girl. I think that the song sucks. It got me thinking to myself (and aloud), “What are the redeeming qualities of a song?”

First, there must be music involved in the song somewhere. And I’m not talking ambient noise or arpeggios. Hollaback Girl has the arpeggios, played by guitar in the background and later played in unison by some atrocious synth brass. And that’s it! Other than the drum beat and a rare half-sung line, there is nothing else to the song.

Next, there should be some coherent thought within in the song. Saying Shi* 37 times in a 3:19 song doesn’t quite do it for me. “The Shi* is Bananas – B-A-N-A-N-A-S” – WTF is that?

Originality – granted the song doesn’t have to be completely original. I believe that this song was better… when it was called “We will rock you” by Queen. Repeating the same lines over and over and over (and over) is not very original or creative. Why would I want to listen to 99 bottles of beer on the wall? I wouldn’t.

Standing the test of time: Not time in the eternal sense, but do you get sick of the song after 10 listens? How about just one? I was sick of this song after the first listen. I did force myself to listen to it 3 more times before and during the writing of this post so that I could get some facts straight, but no more Hollaback Girl for me.

A song should be a song. I don’t listen to much rap music (I have a hard time actually calling it music), because my definition of a song is that it should have a musical structure, actual singing, and flowing lyrical ideas. Most rap has the flowing lyrics, but this song doesn’t even have that (not to mention the lack of musical structure and actual singing).

So, to paraphrase the structure of this song, we have:

[Chorus – 2x];
Oooh, this my Shi*, this my Shi* [4x];
[A spoken word verse];
[Chorus – 2x];
Oooh, this my Shi*, this my Shi* [4x];
[A spoken word verse];
[Chorus – 2x];
Oooh, this my Shi*, this my Shi* [4x];
The shi* is Bananas – B-A-N-A-N-A-S [4x];
[Chorus – 2x];
Oooh, this my Shi*, this my Shi* [4x] 

Wow – this song is deep. What was I thinking??? Wait, I know what I was thinking

99 bottles of beer on the wall
99 bottles of beer
Take one down, pass it around,
98 bottles of beer on the wall.
98 bottles of beer on the wall
98 bottles of beer… 

Hollaback Girl Report Card
     Music involved: FAIL
     Coherent thought: FAIL
     Originality: FAIL
     Test of time: FAIL
     Is it a song: FAIL

Final Verdict: FAIL

Here – try this quality song on for size (right-click, save target as…), and tell me that Hollaback Girl is better than it. Of course, doing so automatically disqualifies you from being my friend anymore 😉

I knew I should have posted my weekend report sooner…

I planned on posting a weekend update yesterday, but got caught up creating a flyer for the Phoenix Down show.

And now that I am doing an update about my life, you’ll just have to trust me that I had planned what I am going to say before the **** (cow excrement – thanks Paul Shirley) hit the fan.

My weekend

Started Friday night, with beer at Carlos O’Brien’s, which was followed up with beer, pizza, and ****** (movie title that could be misconstrued as a slang female body part). ***** (a completely unrelated coworker) came over and John and I enjoyed her company.

Saturday: Went to the parents’ for the Suns game [we lost :-(], then to Mark’s new place. Had some beer and Apple something Martinis.

Sunday: Went to Mark’s again for BBQ, and had spiked Strawberry Lemonade (with Grey Goose Vodka), White Russians, Beer, and beer.

Monday: International Alcohol Day at my parents’. Had Irish Car Bombs with outdated Bailey’s. Still yummy. Had hamburgers and hot dogs, and watched the Suns game [we won :-)].

Finally, the reason for my disclaimer at the top of the post (about trusting me). I had already decided that it just wasn’t worth it. As much as I think this person is cool and nice, and that we could have some fun (read: go to a dance recital, drink Pepsi, smoke incense) for a few months, it ultimately would not be worth it. For either party. I ultimately just wanted to be a friend in a strange city, but it appears that has been shot. 

Thank you very much. I appreciate it when I am told that I have violated the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution. I just hope that word doesn’t get back to Tom Cruise that I talked trash about him dating Katie Holmes